Say Yes to the Mess

Estimated reading time: 3 minutes

I am a naturally messy person. At any given moment, my desk is cluttered with at least a dozen non-work-related items, even after I’ve spent 15 minutes clearing it off.

Lots of people say that an uncluttered space allows your brain to be less cluttered also. I think that is probably true, but I don’t think I’ll ever really know because I am not actually able to keep any given space uncluttered long enough to find out.

This is sometimes surprising to people who have only known me in a professional context. Somehow, I come across as organized and put-together. The only explanation for this is that I approach all my work with dangerously high levels of perfectionism.

Recently, I started a nonprofit management course where the entirety of my interactions with the professor and classmates is through the Blackboard discussion board. I was surprised to see that I would be graded in this course; I hadn’t taken a graded class since I was in graduate school, almost a decade ago.

Unbeknownst to me, this course caused a side of myself to rise from the dank, dusty depths of my being: a side I hadn’t known existed—or maybe, a side I just hadn’t wanted to acknowledge. The specter of perfectionism had shown itself in full force, beckoned by the promise of the only validation I had ever received growing up: good grades.

This is not the first time I have had to confront the fact that, despite all my efforts to eradicate the inner pull to that tool of white supremacy, I have internalized a need for perfectionism. Over the last few years, I have slowly realized that even when I have tried to do the bare minimum for work, I end up going above and beyond because I actually cannot tell when I have done what is normally expected.

In fact, let’s even take this blog post as an example. I came up with the idea for this blog post two weeks ago, proceeded to ruminate over it until this evening, and then rewrote wide swaths of it several times before forcing myself to continue typing no matter what.

I have been struggling with maintaining weekly posts because every time I think about the next possible topic, the next potential tune for Music Monday, I am paralyzed by the anxiety and fear that chase every word as I type or write. I am exhausted at the end of each day because, even though I’ve been trying to half-ass my work and this course, I literally cannot stop myself from doing extra because I’m so afraid of not being good enough.

But I’m tired of the specter of perfectionism. I’m fatigued by the constant voice in my head doubting the worthiness of every single thing I do.

I’ve resolved to fight back. I’m trying to create, to write, to LIVE without obsessively editing every particle of my existence in an attempt to achieve some impossible ideal of perfection. I have to accept that I am, like every single person in the world, flawed. I will make mistakes. I will produce subpar writing. I will ruffle feathers. I will not always be likeable, presentable, relatable.

Like my perpetually cluttered desk, my mind and humanity may always be messy. And like my desk, I can continue to coexist with the clutter. I can learn to live with, and maybe even embrace, chaotic jumble that is me. So starting today, I’m choosing to accept myself as I am and keep going, no matter what.

I’m saying yes to the mess.