Say Yes to the Mess

Estimated reading time: 3 minutes

I am a naturally messy person. At any given moment, my desk is cluttered with at least a dozen non-work-related items, even after I’ve spent 15 minutes clearing it off.

Lots of people say that an uncluttered space allows your brain to be less cluttered also. I think that is probably true, but I don’t think I’ll ever really know because I am not actually able to keep any given space uncluttered long enough to find out.

This is sometimes surprising to people who have only known me in a professional context. Somehow, I come across as organized and put-together. The only explanation for this is that I approach all my work with dangerously high levels of perfectionism.

Recently, I started a nonprofit management course where the entirety of my interactions with the professor and classmates is through the Blackboard discussion board. I was surprised to see that I would be graded in this course; I hadn’t taken a graded class since I was in graduate school, almost a decade ago.

Unbeknownst to me, this course caused a side of myself to rise from the dank, dusty depths of my being: a side I hadn’t known existed—or maybe, a side I just hadn’t wanted to acknowledge. The specter of perfectionism had shown itself in full force, beckoned by the promise of the only validation I had ever received growing up: good grades.

This is not the first time I have had to confront the fact that, despite all my efforts to eradicate the inner pull to that tool of white supremacy, I have internalized a need for perfectionism. Over the last few years, I have slowly realized that even when I have tried to do the bare minimum for work, I end up going above and beyond because I actually cannot tell when I have done what is normally expected.

In fact, let’s even take this blog post as an example. I came up with the idea for this blog post two weeks ago, proceeded to ruminate over it until this evening, and then rewrote wide swaths of it several times before forcing myself to continue typing no matter what.

I have been struggling with maintaining weekly posts because every time I think about the next possible topic, the next potential tune for Music Monday, I am paralyzed by the anxiety and fear that chase every word as I type or write. I am exhausted at the end of each day because, even though I’ve been trying to half-ass my work and this course, I literally cannot stop myself from doing extra because I’m so afraid of not being good enough.

But I’m tired of the specter of perfectionism. I’m fatigued by the constant voice in my head doubting the worthiness of every single thing I do.

I’ve resolved to fight back. I’m trying to create, to write, to LIVE without obsessively editing every particle of my existence in an attempt to achieve some impossible ideal of perfection. I have to accept that I am, like every single person in the world, flawed. I will make mistakes. I will produce subpar writing. I will ruffle feathers. I will not always be likeable, presentable, relatable.

Like my perpetually cluttered desk, my mind and humanity may always be messy. And like my desk, I can continue to coexist with the clutter. I can learn to live with, and maybe even embrace, chaotic jumble that is me. So starting today, I’m choosing to accept myself as I am and keep going, no matter what.

I’m saying yes to the mess.

Music Monday: August 1, 2022

Estimated reading time: 1 minute

Hey, I’m not dead (at least on the outside)! Part of my full-time job is managing a summer arts camp in July, so I am finally starting to recover. Really grateful that for the first time EVER, I decided to take the month of July off from teaching, because I left my brain somewhere in June!

It’s getting steadily warmer here, and I sweated buckets while at the summer camp. When summer really hits, I can’t resist The Ataris‘ cover of “The Boys of Summer”. I didn’t know the original recording by Don Henley before this one came out; in fact, I didn’t realize it was a cover at all until the radio stations suddenly started playing the original when this cover started getting popular.

https://youtu.be/LeBTFjSUNMM
The music video for the original Don Henley recording of “The Boys of Summer” (1982)

You can definitely hear the musical influences of each recording’s era, even though so much of the melody and guitar licks remain the same between the two. The change in guitar tone, synth, and drum patterns really make a big difference in transforming this ’80s hit into the pop punk style that was so popular in the early ’00s.

I listened to this Ataris album OBSESSIVELY as a young teenager and can still sing along to every single song by heart. Honestly, I still really enjoy So Long Astoria, and think it has aged better than a lot of other pop punk albums from that era. If you’re unfamiliar with (or don’t remember) The Ataris, take a listen to the rest of the album sometime!

Stay cool and enjoy this summer tune!

The music video for The Ataris’ cover of “The Boys of Summer” (2003)
The Spotify track for The Ataris’ cover of “The Boys of Summer” from So Long, Astoria (2003)

Music Monday: June 27, 2022

The past week (well, really, the last several years) has been a nightmare in the news. This past Friday especially I struggled a lot with despair and hopelessness. I can’t even begin to express the special kind of pain that comes with knowing the government and a large swath of this country hates people like me (really, anyone who isn’t an old cishet white man) so much that they would continue to strip away any and all rights and protections, while I have to continue surviving each day.

People wiser than I have undoubtedly realized this earlier in life, but I’ve only recently begun to embrace negative emotions and deal with with them directly, instead of stuffing them deep down.

A 4-panel image from the cartoon Adventure Time. Jake the dog is holding Finn the human at arm’s length, and their conversation reads:
Jake: You’re repressing the memory, dude. You’re hiding whatever she is in a mental vault.
Finn: Oh yeah, the vault. That’s where the stuff I can’t handle goes.

Allowing myself to feel my feelings (UGH, I know) helps me get through to the other side a little faster. After all, all emotions are temporary–and once I get through them, I come out more able to do something about the things I want to change.

So today, wallow in “Good News” by Something Corporate, a pop-punk band that originated in–of all places–Orange County, CA. And later, emerge on the other side of the bad feelings with me so we can move toward better things together.

A YouTube link to “Good News,” from Something Corporate’s 2002 debut album, Leaving Through the Window
A Spotify link to the same song

Music Monday: June 20, 2022

Estimated reading time: 1 min 30 sec

I hope you all had a lovely weekend! And for those of you who have today off in honor of Juneteenth, continue enjoying some time for rest!

Today’s Music Monday song is one I first heard on a cover album from Boyz II Men. It wasn’t until many years later that I finally heard the original by the one and only Stevie Wonder.

“Ribbon in the Sky” was first released on the 1982 album, Stevie Wonder’s Original Musiquarium I. Apparently it was really quite popular when it first came out, but I personally had never heard it (until I bought that Boyz II Men cover album CD at BookOff).

The album cover for Stevie Wonder’s Original Musiquarium I (1982). It was a compilation album that included several previously-unreleased tracks, including “Ribbon in the Sky.”

When a lot of people think of Stevie Wonder–my younger self included–they think of his distinctive singing voice. Now, when I think of him, I think of his skill as a songwriter. So many of his compositions have unexpected chord progressions, or surprising melodic contours, that he somehow weaves into something that makes sense. It’s fascinating to sit down with some of his songs and examine the tools he breaks out to create his unique sound.

“Ribbon in the Sky” is one of those songs that caught me off-guard when I really listened to it closely. I sightread this song in an anthology book I have of Stevie’s songs and continually found myself surprised and tripping over my own fingers while reading through it (including multiple modulations!). I’ve always been taken with the melodic line when he sings the title of the song in the chorus–somehow it’s always struck me as a delightfully unusual line.

I don’t think I saw this at the time, but Stevie Wonder played a version of this song for Whitney Houston’s funeral, with revised lyrics celebrating her voice as a gift from heaven.

A video of Stevie Wonder singing revised lyrics to “Ribbon in the Sky” at Whitney Houston’s funeral, naming her as an angel in God’s choir of love.

Hope you enjoy “Ribbon in the Sky,” and remember to go outside at some point today to actually enjoy the sky.

A Spotify link to play Stevie Wonder’s “Ribbon in the Sky” (1982).

(Belated) Music Monday: June 13, 2022

I completely missed posting for Music Monday yesterday–lately I’ve been really exhausted and, honestly, burned out. As part of allowing myself to be human first and not placing self-worth on my productivity, I just had to drop the ball (brush) yesterday.

BUT we’re back today, with a belated Music Monday (which I guess technically makes this Music Tuesday, but that’s not as fun to say)!

Continuing the thread of “blasts from my past,” today’s track is something completely different: the soundtrack for a mobile app game!

Neko Atsume was just starting to get popular when I was in grad school. At that time, they hadn’t even translated all the menu options or anything else into English yet, so you just had to GUESS what you were doing! Luckily, the gameplay is super simple: you purchase items for your in-game home, and go away for a while to find ADORABLE CATS waiting for you when you come back!

A screencap from my May 2015 Neko Atsume backyard. There’s a tubby white cat looking satisfied by the food bowl, a sleeping black and orange cat on the sheep-shaped cat bed, and three cats of different colors on the large cat tree in the center. Come on, look at how ADORABLE it is!!!

Grad school was an incredibly difficult time for me, for many reasons (which are posts for another time). Neko Atsume was hugely instrumental in helping me keep my head above water at a time when my mental health was the worst it’s ever been (before or since) in my adult life. Silly as it sounds, knowing that there was something as simple and joyful as a potential new cat waiting for me–maybe even with a present!–helped get me through the day.

A screencap from my Neko Atsume game in May 2015, where a black and white spotted cat is giving me the amazing gift of a SPORK!!! Neither a spoon, nor a fork–the ultimate utensil for your cat’s loved ones!

So today, enjoy the delightful soundtrack to Neko Atsume, the background music of my grad school life!

A YouTube video titled “Neko atsume Original BGM,” that shows an orange, white, and black cat rolling around with a yellow ball. My favorite part is the little X for the cat butt!

A Spotify link to the Nekoatsume theme

Music Monday: June 6, 2022

Estimated reading time: 2 minutes

We’re back! Last Monday I ACTUALLY took time away from everything on the holiday to relax and enjoy the day off. I hope you all were able to do the same!

Today’s Music Monday track is from The Weepies. I absolutely love them, and come back to their music over and over, no matter how many times I’ve listened throughout the years. An indie duo, Deb Talan and Steve Tannen recorded 7 albums together over the course of 10 years–almost 1 album a year!

The Weepies made music as a couple through many life challenges, including Talan’s breast cancer diagnosis and double mastectomy. Apparently, they finalized a divorce just before the pandemic broke out and performed their last shows together as The Weepies earlier this year. I’m extremely sad that I didn’t know about this and never got to see them together live.

The track I happened to choose for today reflects the kind of lingering sadness we get after a huge loss (like the Weepies breaking up!). When I first started listening to the Weepies in my late teens, like many young people I had that one person I just COULD NOT get over for the longest time. The grief over losing that person–both our romantic relationship and our friendship–would come in waves, surprising me at all hours of the day and night. For a long time I felt (naively) that nothing and nobody could possibly convey or understand my despair.

When I heard this song, I finally felt like someone else “got it”. And when one day I stumbled across the music video, I was absolutely destroyed and crumbled into a heap of tears over these little clay monsters that perfectly depicted my grief and desperate wish to renew that relationship.

The official music video for The Weepies song, “World Spins Madly On.” It shows a little blue clay monster being depressed, looking in the mailbox for a letter that seems like it will never come. Then the letter finally appears, along with the yellow clay monster who sent it.

If you’re wondering, I did eventually get over it, albeit many years later (and THAT is a story for another time)! But to this day, I still get a little teary watching this music video and remembering how much inner pain I suffered at that time.

Much of the music The Weepies made touches on those aspects of the human condition we feel most deeply–grief, joy, love, loss, and so much more. I really can’t say enough how much I love their music. I hope you’ll listen to this track and many others of theirs.

“World Spins Madly On,” from The Weepies’ 2005 album Say I Am You

Music Monday: May 23, 2022

Today’s Music Monday post is also a blast from my past, but in a different way! Some of you may know that I was a total choir nerd in high school. I sang in multiple of our choirs, accompanied my own and other choirs consistently, and even spent my free periods sitting in on one of the ensembles to sing/accompany.

One day, my choir teacher brought in his arrangement of a song he had recently heard, by a group called The Wailin’ Jennys. The song’s message and beautiful harmonies inspired him, and we ended up singing it at graduation for multiple years, including for my graduating class.

Enjoy this morning’s track, “One Voice,” by The Wailin’ Jennys to start off your week!

“One Voice” by The Wailin’ Jennys, from the album 40 Days (2004)

Music Monday: May 16, 2022

Today’s track is a blast from my past. Recently, I was reminded of the first song I ever learned on guitar. Lots of people started their guitar journeys with the Foo Fighters’ “Everlong”–but for me I started guitar lessons with Michelle Branch’s breakout hit, “Everywhere”. You might remember that song because at the time it was on the radio……..

EVERYWHERE!

(Sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

The album cover for Michelle Branch’s The Spirit Room (2002), which had her breakout hit “Everywhere”. It’s a picture of a young Michelle Branch in a black leather jacket against a backdrop of power lines in a blue sky.

It’s funny that I suddenly remembered the album, because apparently this year is the 20th anniversary of that album’s release (!!!) and Michelle Branch is working on a remaster/re-release. I’m looking forward to it and seeing if she brings perspective to it now as an older/more experienced artist.

In junior high, I was OBSESSED with The Spirit Room album that launched Michelle Branch into stardom. I learned everything I could about her online (which wasn’t really that much at the time), visiting her website until I had closely read every word. Splash pages were All The Rage on the internet at the time, and hers said: “Turn off the lights now” and when you hovered over it, it said “To see is to believe” before letting you in.

So today’s track is “I’d Rather Be in Love,” the song that features those lyrics. Enjoy this blast from the past (and a peek into tween me’s musical/lyrical tastes)!

“I’d Rather Be in Love,” from Michelle Branch’s album The Spirit Room

Music Monday: May 9, 2022

It’s Monday and I’m exhausted from the busy weekend. Today I’m planning to slow down a little bit and catch my breath, and I hope you all are able to do a little bit of that too.

Today’s Music Monday selection is from Teddy Pendergrass, an icon of Philly soul. The first time I ever heard of Teddy Pendergrass was when my partner referred to his inside joke with a friend calling him Teddy Pendergraham (like the teddy graham crackers) and then had to explain the joke to me.

An image of a box of Teddy Grahams, which has a brown bear holding a Teddy Graham cracker in his hand with other crackers hanging out with him on a field of idyllic green grass. This box is cinnamon flavored, but they come in lots of flavors. My partner and his friend like to call Teddy Pendergrass Teddy Pendergraham for the pun. This is not an ad for Teddy Grahams but if my childhood memory is to be believed, they are fairly tasty.

I was surprised to read on the official Teddy Pendergrass website that he suffered a severe spinal cord injury at the height of his career, resulting in paralysis that required his use of a wheelchair for the rest of his life.

After months of recovery and physical therapy, he went back to recording (including a single with an as-yet-unknown Whitney Houston) and performed from his wheelchair for several more decades. Alongside his continued musical career, he dedicated himself to advocacy work for fellow spinal cord injury survivors.

Today’s selection is a Teddy Pendergrass classic, highlighting his unique voice, the Philly soul sound, and for some reason a surprising amount of math. In fact, it inspired me to start a playlist called “Songs with a Surprising Amount of Math.” Feel free to make suggestions for the playlist, and enjoy this song on this Music (and Surprise Math) Monday!

“When Somebody Loves You Back,” from the 1978 Teddy Pendergrass album Life Is a Song Worth Singing

Music Monday: May 2, 2022

It’s Monday, and you know what that means: another music track to start your week!

When I was about 18 years old, I hung out with a group of mostly Filipino American men who were all great singers and loved harmonizing together at karaoke. (I guess all the parties with our parents as kids rubbed off on us a bit.) It was thanks to them that I started really paying attention to popular Filipino American musicians on YouTube, including today’s artist: Gabe Bondoc.

A picture of Gabe Bondoc from his website. He’s smiling while playing an acoustic guitar on a white couch in a picturesque office building courtyard.

Gabe Bondoc is perhaps one of the most prolific Filipino American YouTube artists that gained popularity in that era, with several full-length albums alongside his numerous YouTube videos and collaborations with other FilAm artists like Melissa Polinar, Jeremy Passion, and Jesse Barrera. Like many other FilAm artists, he hails from the San Francisco Bay Area (which makes that collaboration possible!). Gabe Bondoc continues to enjoy success both locally and worldwide.

A screencap from my Spotify Wrapped 2021, with a picture of Gabe Bondoc. Text underneath says, “Your top artist was Gabe Bondoc. You were in the top 0.01% of their listeners this year.”

Fun (and slightly embarrassing) fact: because I made a habit of listening to this album pretty much everyday when the pandemic began (and haven’t really stopped), my Spotify Wrapped for 2021 informed me that Gabe Bondoc was my top artist for the year. But that’s not all: I was actually in the top 0.01% of Gabe Bondoc’s listeners for 2021, with a total listening time of 2,796 minutes.

A screencap from my 2021 Spotify Wrapped, with a picture of Gabe Bondoc, the album cover, and the caption, “You spent a total of 2,796 minutes with them and just couldn’t get enough of Monster.” You might be wondering why I didn’t recommend “Monster” for Music Monday, and that would be because it’s not as fun as “More” 🙂

So, you know, naturally I think he’s just okay. /s

Today’s track, “More,” is a fun and catchy song–upbeat enough to get me going in the morning, but not so energetic as to feel saccharine when I’m in one of those bad Monday moods.

Even more embarrassing fact: all five of my top songs for 2021 were from this album. That should tell you all you need to know!

A screencap from my Spotify Wrapped 2021 headed “Your Top Songs”. All 5 are from Gabe Bondoc’s album One. #1 is “Monster,” #2 is “My Plan,” #3 is “Mistake,” #4 is “More,” and #5 is “The One.” For some reason Spotify made the background neon green and it’s an assault on my eyes.

Enjoy and have a delightful Monday!