Recently, as a way to help me through my workday, I’ve gotten really into podcasts (yes, I know I’m several to a dozen years late to this trend). Each day I listen to at least one podcast that addresses issues related to work, or that help me reframe my own approach to work.
11 days ago, I listened to an episode of The Happiness Lab centered around guilt. As a now-avid listener of several podcasts about work, it’s striking how much the concept of guilt comes up—especially around discussions of women in the workplace (it’s an especially frequent topic on the Women at Work podcast). Every single time the subject of guilt comes up on these podcasts, a small part of me slithers into a corner with dilated pupils, hissing upon being exposed to the harsh light of self-awareness.
On this episode of The Happiness Lab, what stuck with me was when host Dr. Laurie Santos said that there is literally (not figuratively) not enough time in a day for everything she wants to, or at least feels she should, do in a day. Part of me instinctively recoiled upon hearing that, but the other part heaved a gargantuan sigh of relief.
In my arrogant youth, I once wrote an entire diatribe about how people who say they “don’t have time” for things they wanted to do just didn’t prioritize their time right, and if they were just more disciplined they would be able to make time for the things they cared about. Upon reflection, it’s clear that my hubristic ideas about time allocation really just reflected the lack of compassion I extended to myself about how I spent my time, and my own desperate attachment to productivity as an outward expression of my worth.
The human brain really was not built to work and be productive as many hours a day as we are forced to be under capitalism. A standard workday is 8 hours, but consider all the small tasks we do at home that add up to consume an entire day: washing dishes, doing laundry, cooking meals, running errands… the list goes on and on.
Women and AFAB folks tend to fill their days with these kinds of tasks at a higher rate than men, and at the end of the day we are already spent without having done a single thing solely to nourish ourselves—and then we feel guilty about not spending quality time with loved ones or being more productive in other ways. Something always has to give.
There will never be enough time in a day to do all the things we have on our to-do lists. Somehow we always find more things we’re supposed to do, but what if we just… didn’t?
I started this blog with the intention of posting consistently once a week, and I haven’t been able to do that. I’ve felt guilty over the past week since I missed posting last Friday, and every single day since then. I’ve felt shame for not keeping my commitment on Twitter to go live on Monday. But right now I’m also dealing with a major project at work; moving into a new home; preparing for adoption of 2 kittens; staying afloat with my independent business; an ongoing global pandemic; chronic mental illness; and generally trying to stay alive.
At the end of the day, I can only do what I can do. I have to let some things fall to the wayside until I can pick them up again, when I have less on my plate and more in my cup. At the end of the day, I have to remind myself: there’s never enough time to do everything.
And at the end of the day… that’s okay.
Riffs on the Reg 